Very serious observations from the Royal Wedding

Prince Williams cracks one of his hilarious jokes. Kate Middleton pretends to be amused.

All week I had made an intentional effort of not caring.

But then Mum just had to interrupt me from my procrastination.

I initially treated her incessant cries of “Kevin… Kevin!” with a half-hearted “Yes….?” Such a vague response usually causes the dialogue between my mother and I to come to a temporary cessation. Within minutes, however, another round of “Kevin… Kevin!” came bellowing from the living room. The discourse took on the loop of a broken record, before I finally gave in and joined her.

And that’s how I came to watch the Royal Wedding.

The fact that The Chaser weren’t commentating made the elongated ceremony difficult to endure. The television broadcast (ABC of course), however, was watchable for the pure reason that I could predict what the Chaser boys would have been saying. You can always rely on the royal consortium and their flowery events to offer an endless stream of gags. I didn’t need commentators to tell me what was funny. I could work that it all out for myself.

Whether it was scoffing at the royals’ unapologetic poshness or mocking the adoring British masses, I was able to find some joy in this otherwise inconsequential celebration between two strangers. Below are my various observations…

– ABC, Nine, and Ten all played coverage of the film. SBS was probably screening porn. Seven, meanwhile, was showing the footy. No prizes for guessing which option most Australians would have found more appealing (and no, I don’t mean SBS)

– Barack Obama didn’t get invited to the Wedding. Yet the Thorpedo did. Go figure.

– Regardless of the context, Rowan Atkinson will always be Mr. Bean. Don’t invite him to weddings. It’s a recipe for disaster.

– Speaking of which, the last time Rowan Bean was at Westminster Abbey, he was crowned king. Yes, I know it’s a pretty mediocre movie, yet the whole notion of John Malkovich in a position of authority makes the film watchable.

– My Mum was trying to explain to me that “royalty” is different to “celebrity”. I’m still not convinced.

– Nobody cared when the Queen did her drive. She’s old news.

– My Mum reckons Kate Middleton’s Dad looks like George Clooney. I disagree. You make the assessment.

– Kate is referred to as a “commoner”. What kind of outdated bourgeois universe are we living in?

– It was nonetheless nice of Kate to invite her kids along. Typical country bumpkin commoner.

I thought of a really really offensive joke about Kate but have used my discretion not to publish it. I hope you don’t mind.

– It is frowned upon for a bride to wear pyjamas to a wedding. Wearing your bed linen, however, is another story.

– On the same topic, imagine being the person that gets to hold Kate’s dress. She must feel so honoured.

– The ceremony would have been far more engaging if ABC put Twitter updates down the bottom, Q&A style.

– Kate’s brother pretty much recited the entire Romans passage. He didn’t look down at the Bible once. My Dad thought he was some random that had decided to preach to the audience. The fact that the passage was a massive list of directions and laws probably didn’t help.

– Some people have already made this observation, but has Harry drunk?

– More importantly, was he checking out Kate’s sister?

– I like the fact that Harry and William were cracking jokes to each other throughout the event. They evidently hadn’t quite grasped the gravity of the whole marriage scenario.

– Elton John didn’t do anything controversial. He even sang the hymns without swearing. I was willing to put money on him being the one that screamed “I OBJECT” just for the sake of it.

– Apparently Elton John is gay.

– Troth? Dad searched through three dictionaries and couldn’t find the meaning. I eventually googled it and found the search engine buzzing with live Twitter feeds that mentioned the word. I reckon there must have been a million people googling it at that very moment.

– Given they had about nine years to prepare for this event, surely Will could have picked a ring that actually fit on Kate’s finger?

– Where was Will’s ring? Yikes, I knew she was a commoner, but that’s no reason to be stingy!

– The guy giving the sermon did a decent job. But I would have preferred Rowan Atkinson to get up and do his devil sketch.

– Did anyone notice how few people actually said “Amen” to the prayers? Didn’t surprise me at all.

– Hypothetically, what happens if Prince William/Harry decide they’re actually atheists? Do they get disowned from the family? Did they hold the wedding in Hyde Park?

– Was the Queen asleep? Or dead?

– I knew they were keen, but did the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a quiche in that hidden room of the Abbey?

– Oh, they were just signing the register. Sure. Then why was it done in some secret room?

– Did anyone else notice the Queen completely snub Kate when she and Will were walking past her?

– William got into the car before Kate. It’s nice to see who wears the pants in this relationship.

– One of the horses took a dump during the march to Buckingham Palace. Awkward.

– Watching the masses swarm on Buckingham Palace with all those little Union Jacks was embarrassing. I’ve never really held an opinion on the whole Monarchy-Republic thing. Until now.

– Did anyone see Prince Charles dangling that child on the Buckingham Palace balcony? Reminiscent of Michael Jackson, methinks.

– Harry and the Prince Phillip were cracking jokes to each other on the balcony. I bet at least half of them were race-related.

– Will and Kate probably won’t last. I mean, did you notice the utter void of chemistry between them? Every time William tried talking to Kate, she didn’t look at him at all. In fact, she seemed to spend the whole procession basking in the atmosphere, thinking “Damn, I am the envy of every woman in the world!” William, on the other hand, kept trying to get her attention. And continually got snubbed.

– When they got up on the balcony, this became even more apparent. Straight away, he was pointing out all this stuff in the distance. And Kate couldn’t care less. She didn’t say it out loud, but from 17,000km away I could easily read her mind; “Shut up, Will; I’m trying to enjoy the view”

– Eventually, they made a compromise. She kissed him, he kept his mouth closed.

– But Will kept babbling on. So she had to kiss him again.

– OH MY GOSH! THEY KISSED TWICE!

– Last but not least, why were they having a wedding at 10 o’clock at night? That was a bit of a silly decision.

Thanks for reading my incoherent rant. If you want to read something funnier, though, I recommend you head to this website. It’s the link to the material The Chaser would have used, but didn’t use.

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